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Oct 31

 “ชั้นก็จะบอกแบบที่ดาราคลิปหลุดชอบตอบในตอนแรกที่ถูกถามว่า   เอ่อ…เอ่อ ยังไม่ได้ดูเลยอ่ะ ขอดูก่อนได้มั้ย  แล้วหันมาส่งยิ้มให้กับกล้องแบบไร้เดียงสาสุดๆ”

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               วันที่คลิปคนหน้าคล้ายแพร่กระจายปลิวว่อนไปทั่วเน็ต…

 

                สหายหนุ่มสองคนต่างดูกันคนละหลายรอบ  มองหน้ากันก็หลายครั้งเพื่อจ้องจับผิดซึ่งกันและกัน  แก…แก เหมือน-ไม่เหมือนไอ้ผู้ชายในคลิปคนนั้น

 

                เมื่อรอบที่ 5 จบลงทั้งคู่ก็หันหน้าเข้าหากันนั่งลงสานเสวนาเพื่อยุติความแตกแยก?

 

               ชายคนแรกถามขึ้นว่า  “นี่…ถามจริง ถ้าแกเป็นไอ้คนหูดำ….” “อย่างสมชายนะเหรอ ก็บอกตรงๆดิ” ชายคนที่สองสอดแทรกกลางคัน

 

               “เออๆ…เป็นคนหน้าคล้ายชายในคลิปนั่นแหละ  แกจะตอบคนเขายังดีว่ะ อ่ะ!อย่างน้อยตอบคำถามนักข่าวก่อน” ชายคนแรกถาม

 

               ชายคนที่สองทำตาเหม่อลอยเหมือนใช้ความคิดแว่บนึง

 

               “อืมม์  เป็นชั้นเหรอ…อย่างแรกคือ ยิ้ม  แต่คงต้องควบคุมตัวเองมากเป็นพิเศษหน่อย  เพราะ หากยิ้ม ยิ้มแหยๆ นั่นเท่ากับว่า ยอมรับ”

 

               “เถอะ! ต่อให้แกยิ้มชื่น คนเขาก็จะเข้าใจว่าเป็นแกอยู่ดี  ยิ้มแปลว่ายอมรับ เขายิ่งจะจี้ถามแกอีกต่อ”

 

              “ชั้นก็จะบอกแบบที่ดาราคลิปหลุดชอบตอบในตอนแรกที่ถูกถามว่า   เอ่อ…เอ่อ ยังไม่ได้ดูเลยอ่ะ ขอดูก่อนได้มั้ย  แล้วหันมาส่งยิ้มให้กับกล้องแบบไร้เดียงสาสุดๆ”

 

             ชายคนแรกส่ายหน้า …“ม่ายเชื่อ”

 

              “ก็ได้…ชั้นก็จะบอกว่า อ๋อ! อาจเป็นคนหน้าคล้ายหน่ะ  คนหน้าคล้ายมีเยอะจะตายในประเทศนี้”

 

              “บ้าดิท่าน  คนหน้าคล้ายจะคล้ายอะไรทั้งรูปร่าง ลักษณะท่าทางอย่างเสยผม เดินติ๋มๆงี้  ทำเหมือนมากเนอะ”

 

               “เหมือนดิ  เทคโนโลยีสมัยนี้ทำได้ทั้งนั้นแหละ จะรีทัช ตัดต่อภาพ ทั้งภาพนิ่ง ภาพเคลื่อนไหวทำได้ทั้งนั้นละครับ เอ่อ..แล้วชั้นก็จะไม่ลืม ยิ้ม….อย่างไรเดียง” ชายคนที่สองทำท่าราวกับเป็นนายคนในคลิปนั้นเสียเอง แล้วพูดต่อ…

 

               “ไม่เชื่ออีกใช่มั้ย…โอ้ย โอย โอย อะไรกันนักกันหนา กำลังนี้   เอ๊ย!  ไม่ใช่ๆ ซิ  นี่เป็นสำนวนของนายกฯคนก่อน อืมม์…ไม่มีอะไรหรอกครับท่านนักข่าว เป็นเรื่องเก่า  …น่าละอายมากเลยนะที่ทำแบบนี้  เอาเรื่องส่วนตัวมาหวังดิสเครดิตผมก็เท่านั้นเอง พันธมิตรฯพอไม่มีคนมาม็อบก็หาเรื่องทำเรื่องไม่เป็นเรื่องให้คนฮือฮา  เรียกแขก  ไม่มีอะไรเลย  เลขาฯหน้าห้องผมไปกับผม ไปคุยเรื่องงาน ไปกินข้าว แล้วไง ไม่มีอะไรทั้งนั้น”

 

               ชายคนที่หนึ่งเริ่มเคลิ้ม…คิดจะถามต่อต่อยังคิดไม่ออก

 

              สมชาย เอ๊ย! ชายคนที่สองเห็นเป็นโอกาสเหมาะที่จะกล่อมต่อ

 

              “จริงๆนะ ชายไม่เคยเหลวไหล  สื่ออย่าไปสนใจเลย สนใจว่า บ้านเมืองจะวิกฤติดีกว่า ไหนจะวิกฤติเศรษฐกิจ คนในชาติไม่รักกันแบ่งฝักแบ่งฝ่าย สีเหลือง สีแดง แต่ขอบอกตามตรงนะ ในใจผมมีแต่ แดง..เจ๊แดง หุหุ พูดเล่น เราต้องมายุติความรุนแรง สานเสวนากันดีกว่า   ขอให้รักกันนะ รักกันนะ  ผมไม่เครียดหรอกครับ  คนที่ต่างจังหวัดน่าสงสารกว่าเรามีเยอะ” พูดจบเสยผมตามสไตล์ชายติ๋มอีกที

 

              ไม่รู้ว่าเป็นเพราะท่าเสยผมหรือคำพูดของชายคนที่สองสะกิดเพลิงในอารมณ์ของชายคนที่หนึ่งให้ลุกโชนกันแน่ ตาของเขาลุกวาว ท่าทีเขากลายเป็นคนละคน เขาคิดออกแล้วจะพูดอะไร

 

              “เหลวไหล! พูดมาได้  โอเค! ไปกินข้าวกับหญิง  พาไปชอบปิ๊งซื้อตู้เย็น  ไปรับ-ส่งที่แมนชั่น  เลี้ยวรถเข้าโรมแรมม่านรูด  หากเป็นคนธรรมดาๆก็ไม่แปลกหรอก   นี่ตัวเองตอนนั้นเป็นถึงข้าราชการระดับสูง มีเมียอยู่แล้ว แถมไปแต่ละทีตั้งแต่เที่ยงยันบ่าย3โมง คอรัปชั่นเวลาของราชการ ใช้รถของราชการ  นี่ไม่ใช่เรื่องส่วนตัวที่จ้องทำลายกัน  แต่เป็นเรื่องส่วนตัวของคนที่มีตำแหน่งสูงที่ไม่มีจริยธรรม ศีลธรรม อย่างนี้มันรับไม่ได้โว้ย…เอ๊ย! ครับขอประทานโทษ”

 

              ชายคนที่สอง ยังยิ้มเหมือนเดิม “ เอ่อ…อันนี้คงตั้งคณะกรรมการขึ้นมาสอบสวนข้อเท็จจริงก็แล้วกัน ขอให้รอผล  ส่วนผลสอบออกมาอย่างไร ผมก็จะยอมรับตามนั้นดีมั้ย”

 

             ชายคนที่หนึ่งนิ่งงัน อับจนคำพูดอีกครั้ง

 

             สบถเบาๆ “ไอ้บ้าเนี่ย ด้านสุดๆ”

 

               “เฮ้ย! ว่าใคร”

 

             “ไม่ได้ว่าแกน่า…ว่าไอ้คนหน้าคล้ายในคลิปนั่นมากกว่า นิสัยยยย…ตัวเองทำเองก็ตะแบงไปได้เรื่อยๆ  จะต้องตั้งคณะกรรมการสอบสวนทำไม ก็ในเมื่อใช้สามัญสำนึกคิดดูก็รู้ว่า คนเป็นนายกฯต้องรับผิดชอบอยู่แล้ว สั่งสลายม็อบจนมีคนบาดเจ็บ ล้มตาย หากสมชายจริง ก็ต้องรับผิดชอบไม่ใช่มือเปื้อนเลือดแล้วลอยหน้าลอยตา ยิ้มไปเรื่อย…”

 

             ชายคนที่สองเริ่มอึ้งบ้าง เมื่อเพื่อนรักสวมวิญญานนักสู้ผู้กล้าหาญ เขามองดูด้วยใจระทึก

 

              “รัฐมีอำนาจอะไรสั่งฆ่าประชาชน  เอาละเขาต่อต้านคุณ ด้วยเหตุและผลถึงความไม่ชอบธรรม  แต่คนเป็นนายกฯเพียงเพื่อแถลงนโยบายให้จบๆไม่สนเลยว่ามีคนบาดเจ็บล้มตายที่หน้ารัฐสภา  ผิด ชอบ ชั่ว ดี ง่ายๆไม่มีอะไรซับซ้อนสื่อบางจำพวกกลับไม่จี้ถามสามัญสำนึกนายกฯ  จะให้มาตั้งวงสานเสวนา  ยุติความรุนแรง ขอโทษ…ถุย!ครับท่านผู้ชม…  ถามอีกทีถ้าเป็นแก แกจะทำไง”

 

             หลังจากหายจากอาการตะลึงพรึงเพริดตามคำของชายคนที่หนึ่งแล้ว  ชายคนที่สองนิ่งไป 2 วินาทีก่อนจะพูดว่า

 

              “อืมม์…เป็นผมนะเหรอ  ผมลาออกไปนานแล้ว ไม่อยู่หรอกครับ อยู่ไม่ได้”  คราวนี้เขาพูดหน้าตาขึงขัง  ปัดผมที่หน้าผากไปด้านหลังให้มีลักษณะเถิกแต่ไม่ล้านเหมือนคนใหญ่คนโตซักคนที่เคยยกพวก หรือ ภาษาราชการว่า ‘ตบเท้า’ เสนอหน้าแบบไม่ได้รับเชิญออกหน้าจอให้พิธีกรจอมจ้อชื่อดังสัมภาษณ์

 

              ทั้งสองมองหน้ากัน…ไม่มีคำพูดจะกล่าวแก่กัน

 

              นาน…กว่าจะมีเสียงหัวเราะขื่นๆ อารมณ์ประมาณนิยายจีนที่ถึงคราวที่ไม่รู้จะทำยังไงดี   ‘หัวร่อมิออก ร่ำไห้มิได้’ ดังขึ้น

 

             จากนั้นโดยไม่ได้นัดหมาย ทั้งสองพูดปลอบใจตัวเองด้วยสำนวนสำเนียงของพระเอกตามบทพันธมิตรให้เสียงภาษาไทยในหนังจีนพร้อมๆกัน…

 

             “บัดซบจริงๆ..เล้ยเอยย”

  

  

6,326 Responses to “ทำอย่างไรเมื่อบังเอิญหน้าไปคล้ายคนในคลิป…”

  1. shikamaru Says:

    เปนเจ๊ อะ จะบอกว่า ใช่ เลย แต่ คนทำใมต้อง รีทัช

    รูป เจ๊ แดง ด้วย

    5555555

  2. prypilas Says:

    ม่ะเหงยากเลยครับ ..
    แค่ถามนักข่าวกลับว่าเมื่อคืนคุณเสพเมถุนมาหรือเปล่า?
    แต่ต้องรองรับคว่มเสี่ยงนิดนึง
    เพราะสถาบันวิจัยเกศสยามยืนยันมาแล้วว่า
    ตอบกลับแบบนี้อาจทำให้เป็นมะเร็งตับได้ เหอๆ

  3. nany Says:

    เค้าก็คงพูดว่า..เรื่องนี้เป็นเพียงอดีต
    และไม่ได้มีส่วนเกี่ยวข้องกับการเป็นนายกของเค้าในเวลานี้มั๊งคะ!!

    เค้าก็จะแถลงการณ์ว่าเค้าโดนดิสแคร์ดิต แน่ๆ
    แล้วที่เลวร้ายกว่านั้น
    ก็จะมีคนโง่ๆ..เข้าข้างเค้า หุหุ

    ประเทศไทย ได้นายกสุดยอดจริงๆ!!

  4. showshow Says:

    5555รีทัชซ้าซ้วยสวยนะครับเจ้าป้า แอะ..ดูแล้วละซิครับ

  5. showshow Says:

    ผมเชื่อว่านายคนหน้าคล้ายคนในคลิปนี้คงไม่กล้าไม่สุภาพแบบติ๋ม(ใจโหด)แบบคนก่อนมั้งครับคุณprypilas 55555 แต่เขาคงขอเวลาไปร่างสปีดก่อนมาตอบ(ช่างหลังอีเป็นเอามากต้องร่างคำตอบไว้ในกระดาษก่อนตอบนักข่าว)ผมเดานะว่าคงตอบประมาณว่า …คุยเรื่องงานดีมั้ย หรือ ไม่ก็มองหน้านักข่าวสาวๆแล้วตอบ…เที่ยงนี้มีนัดรึยังครับหนู ที่บ้านมีตู้เย็นมั้ยจ๊ะ 55555

  6. showshow Says:

    สำหรับผมนะครับน้องnany คนคนนี้ไม่ได้เป็นนายกฯแล้ว หมดความเป็นนายกฯมาตั้งแต่วันที่ 7 ตุลา ที่เขาสั่งฆ่าประชาชนแล้วละครับ บุรุษที่ไม่รับผิดชอบแม้แต่หน้าที่ หนีเวลาราชการไปกุ๊กกิ๊กกับสาว ไม่เป็นสามีที่ดีของภรรยา ผมว่า รับผิดชอบอะไรก็ไม่ได้หรอกชีวิตนี้…เฮ้อเศร้าใจกับประเทศ

  7. prypilas Says:

    555+ ชอบอันที่ถามกลับว่าที่บ้านมีตู้เย็นมั๊ยจ๊ะ คุณShowshow น่าจะไปบอกคุณโนบิตะเค้าหน่อยนะครับ จะได้ไม่ต้องเสียเวลาร่างโพย

  8. pijika Says:

    ดาราตอแหลยังตอบคำถามเลยค่ะ…
    แต่ไอ้นี่มันหลุดพ้นจากคำบรรยาย…

    มีคนในเว็บอื่นยังมีผู้หญิงไปเถียงแทนมันอีกว่า นี่เป็นเรื่องตอนก่อนเป็นนายก เรื่องส่วนตัว ไปยุ่งกับเค้าทำไม

    พี่ว่า… อีนั่นนะ รอให้ผัวมันมีเมียน้อยทีละ 2 – 3 แบบไอ้สมชั่วนี่หน่อย…
    (ทำอะไรไม่ได้ แช่งแมร่ง!!! มันเลย)

    อิอิ

  9. singingintherain Says:

    หลังอาหารเค้าอาจไปสานเสวนาทางวิชาการกันน่ะ
    คิดมากไปรึเปล่า5555
    แล้วทำทั้งงานในงานนอก ไม่บักโกรกแย่เเหรอ

    แบบนี้ไม่ไหวค่ะ เป็นชายไม่สม ชาย เอาซะเลย
    อับอายไปทั่วโลก (หรือไม่อายว้า ดูสีหน้าไร้อารมณ์)

  10. showshow Says:

    5555คุณprypilasครับผมว่าคนคนนี้เขาไม่มีสมองไม่เป็นตัวของตัวเองไปแล้ว คนเราถ้าเป็นไปได้ขนาดนี้มีชีวิตมิสู้ตายไปดีกว่า เปลืองทรัพยากรโลกจริงๆ แม้กระทั่งตู้เย็น5555

  11. showshow Says:

    สวัสดีครับพี่ฮอล์ลเหล่าคนที่แก้ต่างในลักษณะนี้แก่คนหน้าคล้ายในวีดีโอคลิปเนี่ย เป็นคนประเภทไม่เจอกับตัวเองไม่มีทางรู้สึก ปล่อยให้เขาตายไปอย่างโง่งมดีกว่าพี่:)

  12. showshow Says:

    5555 มิน่าล่ะ พอเครือข่ายสื่อสีขาวชงเรื่องสานเสวนาขึ้นมาแกถึงชอบจัง ชอบจริงๆเลยครับคอมเม้นท์ของ คุณsingingintherain :)

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